So I got talking tonight, like I do most nights…when I’m tired of trying to plant cyber vegetables in my facebook farm town farm, with Lori. I probably shouldn’t tell people that Lori sneaks around farm town in the middle of the night and that, perhaps, I’ve started to FARMTOWN STALKZ her. But I have! Me and my ever changing little avatar whom I change almost as often as I change my farm, run through everyone’s farms until we eventually come to Lori’s. You see, you get points for raking, or watering or..whatever else you do that I don’t actually pay any attention to, because all I’m truly interested in is levelling up so that I can BUY MOAR STUF! Incidentally, I can totally plant pumpkins now, and I’m so close to my first mansion that I can almost taste it! I know. You’re pondering our friendship and squirming uncomfortably in your seats and going “Kelly who? No..ah hahaha ha haaa…I don’t know a Kelly…”
We got talking, anyway, which is what we do, and we stand there, for hours talking to each other in a strange little cartoon setting, and sometimes gaining the ire of my husband, like last night, when Lori was actually pretending to be Matt. “WHO IS THAT?!?!” Oliver boomed over my shoulder, pointing at the little brown haired cartoon boy standing much too close to my little redhaired one. You should know, Lori planted him right behind me and it looked wonderfully naughty – if you’re into cartoons. And we laughed and laughed at my possessive husband who was appalled that I might have just spent the last hour talking to A CARTOON MAN! It was brilliant! No really.
So tonight we’re talking about weight and things and I’m trying to explain that I’ve lost all this weight, and that it’s really not a clever way to loose weight, and she’s telling me, that I should write a weightloss book. I think, people wouldn’t really like my weightloss program, but I figured, I’d write a blog post about it. I like to call it – iDiet. And basically, this is what you do. I’ll do it step by step. It’s really quite simple.
- Get up at some ridiculous hour, depending on whether it’s school holidays or not and ensure your children are both warm and fed.
- Boil jug and finish making the coffee your husband has left for you. – He does! Every morning. I’m spoiled. I know.
- Make toast. – Okay, this step is really important. Because what you have on your toast can really make or break you. Actually, I’m lying. I have two pieces of toast, and I go through stages of what I like. Usually, it’s peanut butter and sometimes, peanut butter and banana. I’m having a moment. Sometimes it’s tomato with salt and pepper…I’m totally having another moment. Sometimes it’s jam, sometimes it’s nutella, sometimes it’s Kaya. Do you know what Kaya is? Ollie introduced me to it a number of years ago. It is internet, heaven in an earthly form. It’s some sort of egg and coconut spready thing that Malaysians eat and I seriously could live on it. It’s not overly sweet either…just really quite possibly, the most perfect spread in the world. I also quite like marmalade. That’s very British of me isn’t it? Hurrah!
- Adhere yourself to your computer…and music. Hence the dietary name of iDiet.
- This is where it gets a little tricky. You see, I’m not and have never been a particularly lunchy sort of person. Oh, I should mention that sometimes I eat cereal. That’s important. I think. In particular, since I’ve had braces, I’ve had this huge love for hot weetbix with all bran. I totally douse it in boiling water, mix it up and add milk and sugar and it’s like fast porridge but without the oats. I love it. Shut up. We’re supposed to be talking about lunch. I need a new point now.
- Right, so – I have never been a particularly lunchy sort of person. And while you’re running around the house, tidying up, doing laundry, showering, and bringing in wood for the fire and that’s really -all- you’re doing, you’re not using up a whole lot of energy. So, I’m not hungry. And then, when I am hungry, my body, which is a bad evil thing and is totally against me goes “uh, food now. Hungry! NEED SWEET! NOW!!!!” And so I may eat chocolate. It’s true. I eat between 6 and 12 squares of chocolate, and sometimes one of those tiny little lunchbox chip things. And maybe a mandarin or three.
- Then, you play on your computer, you laugh a whole lot because man, you totally have some reeeeally amusing friends and you drink tea like it’s going out of fashion. I’d like to mention, my tea has sugar, but sometimes not milk. I have found that no milk in tea is actually reeeeally nice. Like REALLY! It’s delicious! But I haven’t completely trained myself out of the no milk entirely, so I drink less tea without milk than with it. And I’m drinking it with milk, wishing it didn’t have milk in it. I’d also like to state that, laughter isn’t just great medicine, it’s also a fantastic way to loose weight. It’s true! If you laugh long and hard enough, your tummy aches, have you noticed? My tummy is looking hot right now. It’s the laughter. I’m positive.
- So your day passes, and your house is tidy, and your kids are fed and entertained. By this stage, you’re doing whatever you’re doing, going to the movies, wandering through the mall, I don’t know. I had plans this holidays, and the kids both got sick, so we stayed home more than went out, which kind of sucked..but what can you do? I didn’t get sick, by the way. I KNOW! And then, eventually, your husband gets home.
- And your body is going “HEY! That sugar high we were having? Yeah well it’s over…crashing now. FEED ME!” So you cook dinner, and you eat it, and then you drink huge amounts of water, because your body is all “thirsty now. Thirsty now. Thirsty now.” Even though you’ve been drinking bucket loads of tea.
- Then you have a milo before bed, or I don’t know, whatever hot chocolatey milky drink you like. I like milo.
- Finally, sex. I’m private enough not to tell you how often – besides, I don’t want to scar family members with details…and that’s really it! That’s it! Do you want to know how much I’ve lost?
About 7kgs. That’s uh..15lbs.
Of course, I realise that this is a very short term sort of diet (with the exception of step number 11) – I have 3kgs (6lbs) to go before I’m at the weight I’ve been trying to get to for the last..oh, 10 years? Next week, once they’re back at school? I’m going for weekly walks again with my mother in law, and partaking in both a dance class, and some form of aerobic weight sort of training, because I’m lacking a lot of muscle tone. And this of course, will increase my appetite again, and I’ll be eating good things. I promise.