But they have to be said. It’s the end of 2010 and we just said goodbye to our oldest cat, Swirl, a couple of days ago. It was her time to go, but that doesn’t really make it any easier. We’ve been prepared for this day, for a long time, but still, pushing an unwilling cat into a carry box and taking her away to an end she doesn’t really understand is coming is a hard thing to do.
I couldn’t do it. I would have broken down when they said that whatever was wrong with her was fixable, and instead of $100 we’d have ended up paying $1000 to get her “fixed”. She couldn’t take care of herself anymore. She couldn’t keep herself clean, she smelled like pee and she peed constantly inside. She was getting vicious and forgetful and the summer heat wasn’t helping. She was incredibly overweight and I have a feeling she was riddled with cancer. She’d had a strange spot on her nose for years, and her stomach wasn’t soft fat, it was rock hard.
Ollie took her in and came back and was upset. We held each other and I promised that next time it would be my turn. I’m no good at doing that sort of thing. It’s not easy, even when you know it’s for the best. I keep seeing her everywhere and waiting for her to slink past me on the way to the food bowls. It’s left me feeling a little strange and emotional. Vulnerable, angry, sad…I didn’t think I’d feel this way, but I do.
Anyway, it’s a new year tomorrow. I’m going to try to write here more. I know I keep saying that, but the problem is, I don’t ever have anything amusing to talk about, and I feel like all my posts are whiny and emo, which just annoys me. The quakes since Boxing Day haven’t really helped either. There are possibly a few more cracks appearing in the house and it really doesn’t do anything for my moods.
I’m not making any new year resolutions this year. Every time I do, the year turns to crap. One goodbye that I am definitely looking forward to is the end of 2010. It’s been a hideous year on so many different levels and I am not sad at all to be saying goodbye to it. Bring on 2011.