Butterflies and Hurricanes

Or rather, spiders.

You see internet, I am one of those girls who hyperventilates at the sight of spiders. I try very hard not to do this, because honestly? Have you seen spiders? They are TINY! Unless you’re in a crazy country like Australia, which by the way, I saw no spiders in thank god! But I can’t shake it. I forced myself to hold them for awhile, when I was pregnant with Siobhan, and I didn’t seem to mind them at all, but I think that’s because holding a spider seemed so much less daunting than holding a newborn baby. I was nineteen, trust me, it was daunting!

Anyway, last night we’re in bed, and Ollie is stubbornly reading and grunting at me every time I dare to strike up a conversation with him, I lay there and sigh and glance up at the roof, and helloooo nurse! Spider.  It’s lurking in the corner where ceiling meets wall, with its little hard black body and its filthy eight leggedness and I’m hissing, and nudging my husband “Nobby! nobby look!” You have to say it quietly, just in case they hear. Spiders have an amazing sense of hearing you know. It heard me. Ollie grunted, and I’m almost whimpering as it turns around, very slowly and deliberately, and loses its footing.  I KID YOU NOT! How can something with EIGHT legs lose its footing?!?! I’m shrieking and diving under the covers and he’s shouting at me about how I’m ruining his book!

I know right? I’m ruining his book? There’s a massive spider up there, as big as my thumbnail, sliding down the wall where it’s going to lay in wait so that it can leap into my mouth while I’m asleep and he’s telling me I’m ruining his book!!! So I stay very still, with just my eyes showing, making sure that creature stays exactly where it is, and he finally claps his book shut and with a sigh of annoyance gets out of the bed. He picks up his bookmark and a baseball cap and I’m comptely confused. “What are you doing? You’re just as scared of it as I am!”  “No I’m not, it’s to catch it incase it falls.” He replies, standing up on the bed, fully nude, all stretched up there trying to catch a spider.

Eventually he gets rid of the cap and just uses his hands. I’m admiring his butt, which from that angle was worthy of the comparison to Michelangelo’s David, and he finally catches it. Drops it, internet….and flails all around the place recatching it and doing his best not to let it scramble right up his arm into his hair. But the most fun, was watching him toss it out the window. You see, the latch at the top, really is at the top and our bedroom faces straight out onto the road. He was torn between stretching up and being caught by passersby or ducking down and not being able to open the window. In the end stretching up to open the window won out and he finally managed to flick the demon out the window, however, the wind last night was massive! I’m surprised the spider made it out the window, without being blown straight back in again.  It was, great.

Remind me to tell you about the time he ran outside in my pink bathrobe.

8 thoughts on “Butterflies and Hurricanes

  1. Kelly, this cracked me up. I’ve given up on getting my husband to rescue me from spiders. He tries to squash them but they never die and just drop down and run away, waiting to get me!

  2. ah my dear. you had me choking on my sandwich at work. Here I thought you were going to going to supply us with the next installment of your novel. But no, instead I find myself and my heroic efforts the muse for your posting (muse, get it? :D).
    Well written love.

  3. hahaha! You so clever my Nobby.

    That’s a whole lie about killing spiders! I killed one once just to see if it would rain, and it didn’t! We don’t get mosquitos in Christchurch. Yeah, now you’re jealous. 😉

  4. hahahaahahahahahaaaaaaaa oh the pictures that flashed throu my head!! reminded me of the time hubby went running out into the screaming wind and rain in his dressing gown to stand up a tree that had blown over and was stuck there, tree breaking his back, much heavier than it looked with wind forcing it back and dressing gown flailing wildly like a superhero cape and his nakedness and tackle swingin in the gale!! hahahaha

  5. AHHHH God ,,,It’s all down to Nana You Know ! she is completely to blame for our sense of humour I recon it a sence of (madness)

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