Category Archives: borderline personality disorder

Numbers

Are weird things. Mine keeps changing and I keep changing with it. I just had my 40th and I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means. To me, and to people around me, and how we all have such different ideas on life, and who we are and what impact we want to have on the world.

I’ve really and truly reached and accepted the fact that I am now middle aged. The reality is that most of us live until we’re in our 80’s. 90’s if we’re lucky..some of us may even see a hundred, and hopefully we’ll be lucky enough to still be inside our own brains when that happens.

Growing older has always been a challenging concept for me. There have been many points in my life where I truly thought I wouldn’t make it past certain ages. I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and every year that I survived it for awhile felt like a victory. It still does, but…now it’s just easier. Now instead of wondering if I’ll make it, I’m able to realise that I have, and I like my days, I like my life, I like where I live. I like living.

I’ve lived a life, and it’s one I’m mostly proud of. There are definitely things that I’m super not proud of, but I know I’m not alone in that, so I’ve learned to let them go.

So what have I learned in my 40 years on this planet? Shit, so much. And I know that there’s still so much left to learn.

I’ve learned that people are just people. They’re all messed up and scared and fighting their own battles. Some are more successful than others, some understand things better and are built for things others find really hard to deal with. But everyone has a history, a past that makes them who they are, and a life that’s filled with love, and loss, successes and failures. Because all of us? We all have hopes and dreams.

I’ve learned that having friends in all age brackets is really important. Everyone has something to teach you. Even the people who waste your time. It’s definitely easier to pick these people out as you get older.

I’ve learned that trying new things and proving people wrong is still pretty much the best feeling in the world. Every time someone said I couldn’t, I did. And maybe I didn’t do it amazingly, or stick with it, but I still did it. Trying is really important. Failure happens.

 

You know what, I could go on and write a fucking novel and bore you all to tears, or I could just tell you that getting older is a blessing. I love myself more now than I ever have. I am so proud of who I am, as a 40 year old woman.  And in the words of the magnificent Roald Dahl “Never grow up, always down!”

Because this shit? It goes really fast. And don’t believe what anyone tells you you should be. At ANY age. All you ever have to be, is yourself. People can like you, or they can not. And exa fuckin’ exa to those guys. You don’t need them anyway. Here’s a picture of me being a responsible 40 year old woman.

40bday

40 is amazing you guys. Roll on the next 10 years. And the next, and the next… 🙂

Special thanks to these two amazing human beings for making all my dreams come true. <3

 

beautiful

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out what exactly beautiful means. I’ve decided that there’s not really any definition at all, but that has never stopped me from trying to figure out what beautiful means to me. And then I had daughters.

Two of the most incredibly beautiful creatures, and so completely different to one another.

They taught me that beauty is something that doesn’t depend on any one thing. It’s an all encompassing whole person thing. My daughters are so beautiful, it’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t be allowed, to be honest. But I’m so glad it is, because without them, my life wouldn’t be as awesome as it is. I don’t know if they even realise that. I’m bad at talking, so this return to blogging has also been for them.

When you become a parent, I’m not sure that you ever expect the sudden onslaught of parental guilt that pretty much hits you from day one. This new beautiful life in your hands, so perfect, and sweet smelling and new. How can you keep it happy, and healthy and nurture it into a good person? How can you instill all the values you need to? How will you know if you’ve been a good parent? Are they going to hate you when they’re teenagers? Where are you going to go wrong.

You’re not going to go wrong.

Even when you do, so long as you have love for that child, and are honest with them? You’re not going to go wrong.

Take it from a woman with borderline personality disorder and bipolar II. Those girls of mine have had to deal with a lot of emotional weirdness while I’ve tried to find a medication that works, and a way to deal with things when the medication still doesn’t. Sometimes we’d go for drives – when I learned, and we’d talk in the car about the big important things.

I was always amazed at how insightful and thoughtful my girls were about the way that people are. Every time I bought up a big topic, they always had good questions. Deep questions…they still do. Except about sex. Because…I have no filter I suppose. Not that talking about sex with your parents is fun at all – for anyone but me. Call it sadism, but the pleasure I get from watching them and their father squirm is totally worth it! Haha!! (I promise I’ve only ever talked about the good stuff – safety, pleasure, respect, love and permission). I studied sexuality in both religion and literature, human sexuality really interests me.

My girls are teens now. Well, actually…Siobhan will turn 20 this year, and Aleeya will be 18. Adults. I am now the parent of adult children…and while that scares the pants off me, I’m so proud of them. They’re both such beautifully, intelligent and thoughtful girls. And I know how scary becoming an adult is. I may get frustrated a lot – mostly that’s my illness talking though – I remember what this time in your life feels like.

It’s scary, and hard, and learning to make your own decisions will change your life path forever. In ways you won’t understand, or even consider, and they will be wonderful. I do not look back on my life and regret any of it. Every choice I made, lead me right here. I never would have predicted I would live a life like this. And I owe so much of it to those girls. Such beautiful, compassionate, loving creatures. I am always awed that you’re mine. <3

real talk

So most of you who have stuck with me, and are continuing to read me (thank you so much btw!) know that I have mental illness. It is however, very new for me to discuss it in public kind of ways. I am much better at one on one discussions with people, so the thought of standing here in front of you all and talking about how my brain works, has always been super scary for me.

Which I guess, is why I started to write. I remember feeling so much frustration as a child and young person, because most people just didn’t seem to understand me. I didn’t know how to express myself, and often that would lead me to just completely melting down and crying. Which did not help matters much. Particularly when you grow up with people who think and feel things so differently to you.

The only way I’ve ever actually been able to express how I’m feeling, is by writing it down. I’m a natural born dramatist. I can weave a pretty good story, and within that story, are truths that I don’t know how to say. I feel comfortable writing it all down, but I struggled with actual pen and paper, because my brain thinks faster than I can physically write. Once I learned how to touch type, it’s been pretty much impossible to get me off the computer.

I have come to realise though, that I’ve been doing a lot of internal journalling too. Which isn’t a bad thing. Journalling to no audience allows me to read back over what I’ve written and pick out the parts that will be helpful and hopefully inspiring.

My intention in speaking to you about my own struggles with mental illness isn’t to make you feel sorry for me. I hope that these posts will help others. Please feel free to support me by sharing links to my blog. There are a lot of young people out there, who I’d like to talk to. The ones like me, who maybe feel like it’s just never going to get better at all. Who, like me probably put an age limit on themselves, and are potentially reaching that number, and wondering what they’ll do next (mine was 25 – in case you were wondering. I’m 40 this year, and so proud of it!)

My entries will be about my own personal struggle with bipolar disorder II and borderline personality disorder. I promise they’ll leave you feeling uplifted and hopeful. And I’d like to urge you to send people here if you think reading my words might help.

I also want to apologise – again…for any unexplained absences from my writing. Sometimes I’m very chatty, and sometimes I need to sit inside my own head for awhile and organise my thoughts. Sometimes I just don’t think I’m very interesting, and life takes hold of me and the next thing I know, two years have gone by and I haven’t written ANYTHING!

I’d promise that wasn’t going to happen again, but we both know I’d be lying. I do want you to know though, if you don’t see any posts from me (more Philippines is coming – I can’t WAIT to show you the island resorts..omgomg!!) it is because my life is more wonderful than I could have ever hoped it would be. And even when I am battling fits of pure self loathing and wishing I was dead, I never lose sight of the incredibleness around me. There’s a light at the end of that tunnel, sometimes it’s a fucking slog to trek back down to reach it, but when I do, the sun is always waiting for me.

Thank you for that Australia. I had no idea I’d find a home here. I love you, even when I’m sure the heat is going to kill me.