Category Archives: naughtiness

Escape!

Oh the horror internet!  Truly. I felt 10 years old again tonight. I really hoped it wasn’t going to be as hideous as it was, alas, I was proven right. It -was- hideous. I have been very reluctant about this aspect of Siobhan’s enrolment ever since I read the letter.  “Forming Faith Together” it said.  “How bad can it be?” Oliver asked me, and I narrowed me eyes in reply to his question. How bad could it be? The name promises much awfulness. It just does. I picked the date the furtherest away, which just so happened to be today. I’m very glad I chose this day – the only evening offered, because it meant that Ollie had to come with me, although, I’m not sure that was such a good thing. I am so much worse with an audience you see.

I’m not sure if any of you will truly understand my pain at this sort of a venture – except my mother. I went to Catholic school you see. It did me no harm at all, in fact, I have very fond memories of Catholic school. Once I made friends anyway, the first year was hellish. But it was pretty good really, I learned good values…of course, I didn’t actually put any of them into practice, had sex and babies out of wedlock, thumbed my nose at tradition and refuse with a passion, to go to church. It’s not that I don’t appreciate religion mind you. I certainly do!  It gives a lot of people a lot of hope. It makes them feel part of something and loved, and gives them a larger family within their own community.  I think it’s great that people have faith.  I just don’t.  I don’t. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I spent a huge part of my University career learning about world religions and being very inspired and interested in them, but in the end, all that theory, all that learning and study and reading? It just makes you go “wow this is a great story!”

While I was growing up, mum and I attended church.  I know I’ve talked about this before.  About how every single time we went to church, we would burst into uncontrollable fits of the giggles, shake the pews and end up with aching stomachs and ribcages because we.could.not.stop! It was fun. It really was.  But all it taught me was that, I’m not very good at taking things seriously, and that if everyone else -is- serious, that makes it even more hilarious.  You can guess where I’m going right?

So we get there, and the place is full and the benches are arranged in a U shape, so everyone – as I had suspected, had to sit in “groups”.  We’re looking around and there are no free benches. “There’s one!” Ollie points out.  “I am NOT sitting right at the front.” I hissed in response and slunk around the back.  Yeah, NO ONE was sitting in the front were they? The fuckers. “Fine!” I murmured and lead the four of us up to the front of the hall where there is a completely empty U. Ollie narrows his eyes at me and murmurs back “couldn’t you have picked the one behind us…with.people.in.it?”  I’m perfectly happy in my empty U thanks very much, and said “go on then! You go first.” And he hunched his shoulders and glaregrinned at me.  I know how to beat him. I do.  So there we are, and another latecomer – we weren’t late, we were right on time…apparently that’s late, came in, just after Aleeya and I had squeezed ourselves on the same bench as Ollie and Siobhan.

I’m reading the handout they gave us, which said something about girls yearning to “do faith”..and I said “Siobhan, do you ever have a yearning to DO FAITH?” And I kid you not, my 12 year old daughter dropped to her knees on the ground and clasped her hands together and Ollie freaked out.  It was so great! She totally deserved the massive bowl of icecream she consumed when she got home. OMG!  Really.  And then the head mistress begins to talk…it was terrifying, I could not figure out where she was, the massive speaker next to my head was not fun at all.  Particularly not when she began to talk about students being able to have the knowledge to tell aliens about God.  I couldn’t stop, internet. And Ollie started too, and we were shaking the entire bench while the other woman and her daughter tried hard not to notice the fact that we were pissing ourselves laughing.

I thought I was going to have to leave, and all I could think about was the fact that I was at the front of the room and EVERYONE WOULD SEE ME!  That stopped me…momentarily. But I was ruined after that.  Then we had to talk about faith in our houses and why we were sending our kids to this school and what church meant to us, and then…THEN!  She started walking around the room with MICROPHONES!  I think Ollie lost his dinner at the prospect of having to talk. I was totally going to get up and say “uhm, yeah! What they said.” But the other woman, who had obviously decided that we were not good Christians stood up and talked for herself.  She was old enough to be our mother..and I couldn’t stop looking at her.  Granted, her daughter was 16…but if I’m that weathered when Siobhan is 16, I might cry.

It took an entire hour before they let us have hot drinks and biscuits, and I can tell you now the both of us were not at all interested in their hot drinks and biscuits. I think we were the first people out that door and in our cars.  But we weren’t the only ones, thank goodness.  I just can’t be trusted.  You can’t take me anywhere! If I’m not getting completely rottenly drunk, I’m wheezing with laughter over the faith and teachings of Catholicism.

The Escapist

Thanks guys! You’re all awesome. I’ll keep that in mind, I promise. But for now, that post is going to stay archived for awhile. It’s really not interesting at all, you’re all going to be sorely disappointed and go “WTF? IMHO U SUX!” or, some other rather inane internet speech.

Speaking of internet speak, how cool is it? I really love it. I love the words that I just don’t quite get and have to think on for ages. Sometimes I give in and ask, even though it makes me feel really silly.  I like the LOL, I do, although I never use it. LMAO and LMFAO yes..it took me years to use them, but I do. I like *L* which I say in my head when I type it as “lah” shut up. I like the sounds of words. I also sound out acronyms, it’s true.  When you type an internet speak acronym at me, I sound it out in my head. They are actual words to me.  Is that weird? I don’t care!

Do you have any idea how long it took me to take to internet speak?  Literally, years! I totally point blank refused to do it.  It was so banal and ridiculous. I really hated it when people used it in conversations with me too. Come ON!  This thing here?  It’s a tool for typing on!  Stop being lazy and type me out a proper sentence!!!!   LOL? How hard is it, really, to type it out in full? If you really want to drive me bonkers, text me with txt language.  I will hate you, forever.  It’s not true. It’s like a word game for me, some cool puzzle that I sit and have to work really hard to decipher, because, I’m actually not very good at word games.  I’m too easily distracted, and way too easily bored to do them, but when I’m texted with txt speech, I know I have to respond, and figuring out what you’re trying to tell me is pretty important, generally.

Sometimes, I’m a word snob. It’s true.  I will still *laugh right out loud* in online conversations rather than use LOL. Also, lol……………lol?  Why? I know – I’m very elitist and snobby, but honestly if you’re going to laugh out loud shouldn’t you really go the whole hog and LOL? I kind of feel ripped off when you only lol me.  It’s like “Kelly, you’re just not that funny, but.. lol.  There.  Happy?”  Well I’m NOT!  I want you to LOL!

I still don’t LOL.  I just can’t.  I cannot come to terms with LOL.  But I do feel instantly satisfied when people LOL at me.  LOL you hear that? Not lol.  No.  There’s something cheaterish about laughing out loud without capital letters.  I feel the same way about ROFL and LMFAO.  Don’t do them in lowercase!  It totally defeats the purpose! You cannot rofl.  YOU CANNOT!  How can you roll on the floor laughing meekly.  It is IMPOSSIBLE! Stop it! Although, I have this fondness for the newer, hipper, more savvy lawlz.  I like lawlz.  It’s like LOL’s sleezy cat loving cousin.  I imagine lawlz with a handlebar moustache and dirty jeans. Lawlz is always kicked out of parties for grabbing ROFL’s arse.  I feel a connection to him.  ROFL should have her arse grabbed.

All internet acronyms need capital letters.  They really do.  Except perhaps, my favourite.  The WTF.  It has more punch if you capitalise it, but wtf?  Isn’t it gorgeous? It is.  Look how it just sits perfectly.  wtf. It does. It’s shapely and seductive.  Also, unf.  Unf is one of my favourites.  I love the unf.  I do.  Shut up. I know you’re out there sniggering at my reasons for loving the unf!  Anyway.  Ollie is not familiar with the unf and  I have this gorgeous icon, of Malfoy – yes, Harry Potter’s Malfoy. Wait, wait.  I need to explain the unf to you first I think.  Unf is the noise people make when they’re…uh..you know…enjoying a bit of the old slap and tickle. I’m having a private moment with the slap part of the slap and tickle.

I’m distracted.  So that’s what it means, unf unf!  That’s the sexy noises people make together, and is also used to describe sexy times ie: let’s unf.  So I have this icon, and it’s Malfoy, and I’m guessing he’s in pain, but some clever person, has turned his face of pain into a face of the big O.  And along the top it says UNF.  So, I’m showing Ollie last night, because I’m peicing together a new gallery – OMG (I will accept you omging me in lower case…omg looks sexy like wtf and unf) piecing? It’s piecing isn’t it?  I’m piecing together my new gallery, and I upload it and I go “Hey look at this image!”  And I’m like squeaking and laughing and he squints at it and goes… “what is…you neff?”  YOU NEFF! Internet.  I hurt myself laughing.  I cannot stop saying it.  Poor Oliver.  He always says the most adorable things, and they work their way into my vocabulary and are there forever.  This one, I have to share with you though.  Most of you already know that I love to make up words, and I am very good at it too, thank you very much, but this one, I give sole credit to my husband for.  The you neff, I believe, is here to stay.

OMG it’s true!

A giant sperm in the square! Only, it is purple, and if you ask me?  That is so much worse than blue. Purple implies…oh, you all know what it implies!  Do you know what else?  There are people, sitting inside it!  PEOPLE! They sit in there and give handouts out, I was too embarrassed to go see what they were doing.  But when we went back that afternoon, because I just had to show Ollie, there were….children…riding it.  THE HORROR!!!  *L*

Behold, internet, and my mother (This post is really for you, you know!)  A giant purple sperm in the square!!

Hold This Thread As I Walk Away

It’s always good to steal lyrics for blog titles. No, it really is!

What have I been doing lately I hear you ask?  Lots of housewife sorts of things really. Cleaning up, crockpotting meals.  I made the most delicious lasagne in my crockpot yesterday.  It taunted me all day with it’s delicious smell..it was so easy too! Chuck everything in there, and cook it all damn day.  That’s so my kind of meal.

I’m enjoying my tutoring jobs. Have I told you?  Oh sure, you all know how cute Mr 14 is.  He really is you know, he is so adorable!  You should see him.  You should hear him read aloud.  I wanted to see how he spoke words to see if I could gauge where he’s going wrong with his spelling you see.  So I got him to read me a passage from a book he is reading.  I asked him about the book first, because that’s what you do.  He told me it was one his mother had read and that she had told him he should read it too.  So I thought “great!” and I had a quick skim read through it, it was your average crime novel.  Seemed all good and fine, and I choose a passage he’s already read for him to read to me.  I asked him first how he felt about reading outloud, and he said he really likes it.  He did speech and drama and when they did speeches in class, he got an excellent at year 12 level (he’s year 10) his teacher, he informed me, was going to put him in a speech competition, unfortunately, he was in France when it was taking place and couldn’t compete.  I told him that if you had to miss a speech competition, France was probably an okay reason to miss it.  He grinned and said “yeah.”  So, I give him the passage and I sit back to listen.

He starts off, and I’m reminded that he’d just spent 4 or so years in England.  He completely reverted to that sweet upper class Oxford sounding accent and I had to turn away because it was so adorable, I would have just stared.  Then, he comes to this word that for the life of him he cannot say.  I take a look and say “gynaecology” in the straightest voice I can muster.  The boy is unphased.  I am sitting there, looking at the table, and praying to god his mother doesn’t walk past as he continues on and says something about inserting some drug into a uterus!!  Yes internet…of all the paragraphs one could choose, I have to choose one about fannies – you American’s, fanny is the NZ word for front bottom. I know you think it means back bottom, but you’re all wrong.  Which is why every time you say it to me, I fall around the place in hysterics – I mean seriously, why me?  Why must I do these things to myself? It was hilarious and totally inappropriate, as my teacherly friend informed me when she rung that night and I fell around screaming and laughing every time I said it to her.  She is “very worried about me and my professionalism” she says in her teacher voice, and I die with the hilarity of it all.  I was very professional, in case your wondering, right up until I got home and was allowed to fall around laughing.  To be honest with you, I was really proud of him.  He totally took it all in his stride.  It did not phase him in the slightest.

The Mr 11.  Well, he is equally as adorable, and he is so clever.  I’ve taught him twice now, I really don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with him, he’s really good.  Everything that was listed on the evaluation sheet I’ve worked with him on and he has a really good understanding of all of it.  Yesterday we sat and did word games. I had him think up as many different words for things like “said, good, sad, big (he chose big himself) nice” words that are overused.   He said “ooh, my mum used one the other day..exquiste!”  And I’m like “that’s so awesome!  Good on you!”  What help does he need with descriptive words? The boy is clever. I have fun with him, he tells me stories and we write them together and come up with better, bigger ideas and laugh, and then he’ll get bored and tell me a completely random story about something his dad has done, which is hilarious and entertaining and I just cannot understand what they parents are on about.  Anyway, next week we’re going to do a book report on Roald Dahl.  I KNOW!  Do I have the coolest job or what?

..Parental Warning..

Disclaimer. Sometimes I drink too much red wine in one sitting. Why? Because it is a long weekend and I can! That’s why. Also, it makes for interesting blogging. Slow blogging, because posting isn’t quite as easy as usual, I mean, my backspace key sure gets a good workout, but that does require some effort you know. Anyway, my disclaimer is this, I like mad music. I really do, I like things that are out there and strange and weird and make me laugh, or make me think, or make me go “I will cry now, thank you very much Leonard Cohen!!” and right now internet, I am having a renewed love affair with Rammstein. OMG! That’s my disclaimer, because Mum? Dad? If you’re reading, don’t click the youtube okay? It will only hurt your head. All you need to know is that it is loud and rambuncious and that you will not like it.

The rest of you..now that my parents aren’t looking *conspiratorial whisper* click the link! You will see. Oh yes you will. Come back then if you dare, and tell me that Rammstein are not the most hilarious, wrong and delicious band to ever come out of anywhere! Ever! By the way, before you try and claim them, internet..just like my beloved Tarkan, Rammstein sings for me. They sing – as myspace now knows…”Kelly, darling angel (alright, so maybe it’s only my dad that calls me this) we sing for you! In German, so that everyone who is not German, or speaks our language, won’t get jealous and hunt you down..but we do dearest darling..we sing for you. See this? We find naked men to writhe for you too…together, in a glorious, oiled pile of writhingness. Come join us, and we promise, Til won’t wear those budgie smugglers, but he will sing for you. Yes he will.”

He will too. In that writhing pile of man flesh. Oh be still my beating heart. What could be more delicious and hilarious, than that? I heart them more than I can ever express. Also, I am out of red wine, and this is a conundrum. Alright listen here..you had your warning! I am totally not responsible for this post at all. You are reading it of your own free will. You were given the opportunity to turn back right up there, when I first began, and if you didn’t..well, that’s your own fault really..isn’t it?

Do I have anything decent to say? Of COURSE I do! And that is, dear readers..that red wine is wonderful, but when you drink it, with the sole intention of sitting at your computer for some jolly good roleplay…be completely aware of the fact that the internet is a fickle creature, and the person you are sitting down with to have some jolly good roleplay with, may just disappear due to the fickle nature of the internet, leaving you to watch delightful Rammstein youtubes instead while you imbibe the last of your red wine and delight in the fact that the school holidays, and your delicious children who are so brilliantly wonderful and just down right delicious..will sleep in, in the morning, leaving you to groan and wish you had not partaken in quite so much red wine and Rammstein.

Enjoy internet..oh, can I do it? Can I really post that link for you all? Yes I can! But honestly..if you are over 45 – or have a slightly weak constitution, or if you’re related to me in anyway at all…let me say this one last time…

DON’T WATCH THE VIDEO!!

The rest of you…you know my debauchery. My lecherous nature..my vulgarity and my downright perversity…go ahead.. go on…I double dog dare you. The song is called “Man Against Man” oh you know they’re fighting. You KNOW they are.